My Exit Diary

I started this blog in 2008 to discuss five topics that are dear to my heart: tai chi, meditation, religion, retirement and old age. After the initial flurry, I have slowed down quite a bit; in fact I haven't posted anything all of 2012. But now I am going to be doing frequent posting: I have just been diagnosed with some sort of Leukemia but the doctor needs to do more testing to figure out what type it is, so I am convicted but not yet sentenced. It may sound rather melodramatic, but I decided to call this my Exit Diary. I want to chronicle what I will be doing to fight this battle, and to express my thoughts and feelings during this process. I am hoping that I can share these with others who are in the same boat so we may learn something of value from one another. If you have stumbled into my blog and know of someone in this battle, please tell them about my blog.

 In 2011, I found there were a couple of lumps on my neck. During my annual checkup in 2012, I told my doctor about that. He felt them and said that were my saliva glands so I was relieved. In 2013, I found more lumps on my neck and I told the doctor about that during my annual checkup. He found from the blood test that I have a slightly elevated white cell count. He sent me to a hematologist last week. After more blood test, the hematologist told me that I have some sort of leukemia, but he needed more test to ascertain whether the high white blood cell count was caused by an onset of leukemia or by a type of anemia common to Chinese, which I know I had it all my life. I am now waiting for an answer.

 At the age of 78, whether I have a fast growing or slow growing leukemia, or no leukemia at all, I realize I am not gong to hang around for another 20 years. So this diagnosis did give me a good shove to start preparing for my exit. In a way, even though I am a perennial optimist, I have been thinking about my upcoming exit for some time, as evidenced by my previous posts on this blog. My interest in Buddhism over the past few years has helped me understand the reality of life, that death is must as natural as birth, so I am not surprised at all by this turn of event. I will study this disease and learn about ways to fight it as much as I can, just like playing a computer game or solving a jigsaw puzzle and have some fun doing it. If I win, I win; if I lose, I lose. In the meantime, I will have to do a number of things to simplify my life and the work my wife and children will have to do after I checked out.

Four Things You Want to Do If You Have Only Four Years to Live

We all know we have to die some time; but with very few exceptions, we don't usually know when, or how. Many of us also have things we want to do before we die; but setting up a priority is difficult especially when we don't know when the time will come. To short circuit this dilemma, I thought about picking four things, concrete tasks, that I want to do if I know I only have four years to live. Four things and four years are arbitrary; it could be only one thing and three months.

But why do this? and for whom? I believe that after I die, I couldn't care less what will happen to me, to my family, to my friends, or to the world. I wouldn't know about it nor could I do anything about it after all. So the only practical reason is for me personally while I am still living, or more specifically for my peace of mind. Of course I would want to do things that glorify my name, benefit my family, help my fellow men, etc. But really those are things collateral benefits; they contribute to my happiness and peace of mind while I am still living. The ultimate beneficiary is me.

I recommend this exercise to anyone regardless of age: to put down the four things (or three or two, it doesn't matter) you want to have done, in order or priority, if you have a very limited time to live. Actually, even if you don't have that kind of time pressure, you still could set this up because, let's face it, none of us really know for sure when death will happen to us. So just set up an arbitrary period of time and a number of things that are important to you.

Just to give you an example. I have come up with four things I want to get done assuming I only have four years to live. I am now 74, and I hope to live until 89 or beyond. But assuming I will die at 79, these are things I want to get done:

1. Finish the book I am writing about my life and the places and times and events that I have lived through. I thought about writing this book, which may or may not get published, several years ago but I have started seriously working on it only a few months ago. I want to do this because I feel I did not have a chance to share my life with my wife, my children and my grandchildren. After my father died about 20 years ago, I regret I didn't have a chance to talk to him about his life and know him better; so I don't want my children to feel the same way. This book will be primarily for my family; but if there is a wider interest I would be happy to share my story and my thoughts with a wider public.

2. Write a Letter to my grandchildren to share with them the things I learned from my lifelong experience, which they probably will learn eventually but would have benefit from them a lot more if they could learn them earlier in their life. I am not talking about any big discovery; but something probably many people at my age have already learned but never bother to share with their youngsters.

3. Straighten out the mess in my household and organize my vital information; getting rid of a lot of stuff that would never serve any useful purposes nor be of any concern to anyone after I check out. This will spare my family with a lot of headache. I am not a pack-rat, but I am a collector who believes that something that seems superfluous today may turn out to be of historical significance some day. As I age, I realize that that possibility is getting close to nil. Organizing my vital information, statistical, financial, social, etc. would also help my family to cleanup after me.

4. Finally, I want to have a big party to which I will invite all my family and friends and others who know me to have a good time and to say goodbye. I have attended many wakes and funerals and memorials where people talked about all the virtues of the deceased and all the good things they have done, things that these people never would have told them while they were still living. So what good is it but for these eulogizers to show how kind they are to their deceased friends or relatives? If they like me or respect me, I would rather they tell me to my face, or at least send me a email, while I still can hear them. During the party I would also like to distribute a lot of my treasures: photographs, souvenirs from trips, books and knickknacks, that I have collected to my guests. I hope they will treat these small gifts as their memory of me; otherwise I am afraid these stuffs will wind up at a garage sale or in the flea market. I would rather they be kept by people who knew me than by complete strangers. Of course the problem is I don't know when I will die; if I do I may not even have enough time or energy to organize such a party.

You probably have noticed that I didn't mention travel to the four corners of the world or reading all the literary classics or listening to all the musical masterpieces. I love to travel, I read books and I listening to music; but for one thing, I will never be able to cover the whole world or read all the good books and listen to all the good music, nor do I need to. I only do enough of that to enjoy them; there is no need to cover everything.