My Exit Diary

I started this blog in 2008 to discuss five topics that are dear to my heart: tai chi, meditation, religion, retirement and old age. After the initial flurry, I have slowed down quite a bit; in fact I haven't posted anything all of 2012. But now I am going to be doing frequent posting: I have just been diagnosed with some sort of Leukemia but the doctor needs to do more testing to figure out what type it is, so I am convicted but not yet sentenced. It may sound rather melodramatic, but I decided to call this my Exit Diary. I want to chronicle what I will be doing to fight this battle, and to express my thoughts and feelings during this process. I am hoping that I can share these with others who are in the same boat so we may learn something of value from one another. If you have stumbled into my blog and know of someone in this battle, please tell them about my blog.

 In 2011, I found there were a couple of lumps on my neck. During my annual checkup in 2012, I told my doctor about that. He felt them and said that were my saliva glands so I was relieved. In 2013, I found more lumps on my neck and I told the doctor about that during my annual checkup. He found from the blood test that I have a slightly elevated white cell count. He sent me to a hematologist last week. After more blood test, the hematologist told me that I have some sort of leukemia, but he needed more test to ascertain whether the high white blood cell count was caused by an onset of leukemia or by a type of anemia common to Chinese, which I know I had it all my life. I am now waiting for an answer.

 At the age of 78, whether I have a fast growing or slow growing leukemia, or no leukemia at all, I realize I am not gong to hang around for another 20 years. So this diagnosis did give me a good shove to start preparing for my exit. In a way, even though I am a perennial optimist, I have been thinking about my upcoming exit for some time, as evidenced by my previous posts on this blog. My interest in Buddhism over the past few years has helped me understand the reality of life, that death is must as natural as birth, so I am not surprised at all by this turn of event. I will study this disease and learn about ways to fight it as much as I can, just like playing a computer game or solving a jigsaw puzzle and have some fun doing it. If I win, I win; if I lose, I lose. In the meantime, I will have to do a number of things to simplify my life and the work my wife and children will have to do after I checked out.

Growing Old is Glorious

The following is a short presentation I made as part of a Sunday service at my church, the Morristown (NJ) Unitarian Fellowship, honoring our seniors:

Good morning. How many of you plan to grow old and enjoy old age, can I have a show of hands? OK. Good. After all, as I said before, it beats the alternative, doesn't it?

I grew up in a Chinese community and didn’t come to this country until age 28. So I did have a chance to experience both cultures. There are certainly many differences between the Chinese and the American cultures. One of the most striking aspects has to do with people’s attitude towards age. Now, I am talking about the overall picture. There are always lots of exceptions in real life. Also, I am expressing my own views.

In the Chinese culture, people treasure children because they are young and helpless, but even more so because children represent the continuation of their families and themselves in both space and time. As such, they make sure their children are well educated and become good, useful members of society. They also respect their elders for elders represent the source of their own existence and a source of wisdom. Older people also have made their contributions to their families and society. They deserve to be honored and cared for. At the back of their mind, they are also thinking: When I get old, I want to be respected and cared for too.

In the American culture as I have observed, people don’t just treasure their children, they overprotect and overindulge them. That's my opinion. Many people worship the very idea of youth to such an extreme that by comparison they see getting old as a losing proposition. They are afraid to get old. They are reluctant to disclose their age; they feel ashamed of their old age, some even mutilate their body to become superficially younger; they envy the more active life of younger people. No wonder we need so many psychiatrists.

The last time I checked, everyone of us can only get older; no one can get any younger as each day passes. So this negative view on old age is totally self-defeating. If you despise old age, you can only become a loser because you can never win.

Let me suggest that we all, regardless of age, start a revolution to turn this negative perspective on age all the way around. We have to glorify old age. We should be proud to be old. Being old means we have overcome the test of time; it means we have made our contribution to our family and our society; it means we have learned life’s lessons that younger people have yet to encounter. Younger people have their important role in our society; so do the older people, and so do the very old people. This way we'll all be winners.

Growing Up and Growing Old: A Lesson from Rose

A while ago, a thoughtful friend sent me the following story which I find very spiritual. I would like to share it with my visitors. I don't know the author of this story. If you like this story, pass it along to your friends:


THE ROSE

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.

I turned round to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.

She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I’m eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?"

I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze.

"Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked.

She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids..."

"No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.

"I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me.

After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake.

We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months, we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me. Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went.

She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us.

She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor.

Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, "I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know.

As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, "We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it! There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight. Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets. The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets."

She concluded her speech by courageously singing "The Rose." She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.

At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago.

One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep.

Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.


When you finish reading this, please send this peaceful word of advice to your friends and family, they'll really enjoy it!

These words have been passed along in loving memory of ROSE.

REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

How do I approach old age

Talking about old age is a social taboo. There seems to be a general sentiment that old age is a terrible place to be in; old age is an embarrassment and nobody wants to be embarrassed. But if you privately ask the "old" people how do they feel about being old, I am willing to bet that many feel proud of being able to get where they are. And I am one of these folks. I am a couple months from reaching 73; not really that "old." I know quite a few people who are in their 80's and 90's. So if you are approaching your 60's and are apprehensive about what's coming, listen to what I have to say.

Everyone understands, at least intellectually, that there is something called the "life cycle," that as we were born, we are going to grow up and get old and die someday. No surprise there. But emotionally we general dread it and culturally we have been conditioned to want more and expect more out of life. If life is good, we want more. If live is bad, we want to wait for it to change to the better. We just don't want it to end. To get old is to be getting close to the end of the line. I went through this process during my 50's.

More as a self defense scheme, i.e. to make myself feel better despite the inevitability of reaching death, I gradually devised a rationale and talked myself into believing it.

A little understanding of Buddhism helps too. It is a basic tenet of Buddhism that everything is continuously in a changing state and nothing is permanent: not the tree, not the mountain, not the ocean, certainly not human life. Not only life is not permanent, it is also continuously changing, literary split second by split second. The present YOU is not exactly the same YOU a year ago, or even a split second ago. In fact, every single muscle fiber or drop of blood in your body is continuously changing. I know this concept is a little hard to swallow unless you are willing to do some serious thinking about it. (You may also want to talk to a particle physicist.)

But if you are willing and able to accept this concept, that beginning with the moment you were born you have been on a journey that will end at some point no matter what, then instead of dreading old age and its inevitable end, you could get on the business of enjoying life as long as you have it. How to do that is of course dependent on your individual circumstances. It depends on your family environment, your social environment, your financial situation, your health situation, your personal interests, etc. A nice family, good health, a fat bank account and good friends will certainly help. But above all, it depends on how you decide to approach the coming of old age: welcome it or fight it.

A wealthy retiree who has a loving family, good friends and good health could feel miserable if he or she is constantly concerned that the good life on the golf course may come to an end soon. On the other hand, a bedridden poor man could feel blessed when he wakes up every morning knowing that he is a day closer to his daughter's college graduation.

For me, not only I welcome the coming of old age, I see it as a liberation. I see this as a time when I am free from many of life's obligations and be able to explore many of life's treasures which I could not before. I don't have a lot of money, but I am blessed with a good family and a fairly good health. The Internet age allows me to plunge into the world of knowledge and learn whatever I want to, not to make a living off it, but just for the joy of learning. Google is certainly a big help. Now that I don't have to report to work every morning, I also have time to exercise, to read four newspapers a day, to call up a friend to go to lunch, to tinker with small projects.. What a life.

I don't know how long this good life will last. I set an arbitrary target at 89, but I know I could go tomorrow, as people of any age could too. If I did, I wouldn't know the difference anyway. On the other hand, if 89 comes and goes and I am still alive and kicking, I will set another target. Who knows.

On Growing Old

I grew up in a culture where age is traditionally venerated but at a time when youth was beginning to be touted as the future of the world. I remember at age of 8 or 10 singing songs in school about children being the future of the country and the world. So while I appreciate the value and function of youth in society, I never discount the value and dignity of older (than me, that is) people, not even for those who are rather dilapidated physically and/or mentally. I especially admire older people who are still active and full of rigor.

Since I came to the U.S. 40 years ago, I have no problem accepting the youth-worshiping in this culture, although at times I feel it is overly exaggerated for its own good. I do have problem with the age-sensitiveness in this culture, especially many young people's negative attitude towards old age. It is interesting to find out how today's babyboomers, who during the 60's claimed that if you are 30 you are over the hill, think of themselves. I think this phenomenon stems from the fact that this is still a very young nation that still have a lot of growing up to do.

Actually, taking a dim view of the old age is self-defeating because that is a place where everyone will hope to be eventually, but only some lucky ones can get there.

Growing old is like climbing a hill. The older you get the higher you will be on the hill and the broader a vista you are able to observe and, hopefully, the wiser you become. To be sure not all older people are wiser. Age only gives you the opportunity to accumulate knowledge and experience and not everyone who gets old take advantage of this opportunity.

By now it should be obvious that I am rather old, at least by the general standard of this society. But being "old" is really a relative term. To a four-year-old, a 20 something is pretty old; ; but to that "old" 20 something, "old" means someone who is in his/her 40's. In my 70's, I feel like a youngster among people who are in their 80's. Also, being "old" is a subjective thing. While some 40 something may feel they are at the end of their rope, some 80-year-olds are still eagerly learning new things.

I think what I want to say is that we should not use the chronological age to define or evaluate a person. A person at any age can be better defined by many other ways; age is not one of them.