A Five Year Grace Period?

I went to my hematologist appointment last week. He took my blood and got the test result.  He examined me.  He worked on his computer,  rattled out my medical records, and asked me a bunch of questions.  Then he paused a bit and said that I had CLL, meaning Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia, and that by comparing my blood test that day against two months ago, there was very little change in lymphocyte level. He  then mentioned chemotherapy and clinical trial for new drug as two normal treatment options, but that in my case, there was no need for treatment a this time.  What he would do was to keep an eye on my progress less my case might turn aggressive.  So he said come back in October and see what happens.  Then he said: My crystal ball says that perhaps in five years you will be needing some treatment.

I went on line and got a very detailed, 45 pages report on CLL from the American Cancer Society. Now I have a pretty good idea of the animal and understand where I stand. It is a very slow moving disease and some people had lived for even 18 years after diagnosis. At 78, I don't expect to live to 90 but who knows. So do I have a five-year grace period as the doctor speculated?  Maybe.  Things may still turn serious in the meantime.  I will research for some lifestyle changes that may help me beat this thing in the meantime.

I am doing the Ping Shuai Gong every morning for 10 minutes and I will gradually increase this exercise to three times a day. This is a very simple exercise: you just stand up, raise both arms in front to shoulder level, and swing down and then up; that is one time. Every fifth time you bend your knees slightly twice: once when you swing your arms down and once when you swing your arms back up. In 10 minutes you would be swinging your arms 500 times. While you are doing that, you could keep your eyes close and focus your sensitivity on your arms' movement.

Ho Hum !

As my initial shock after hearing the bad news wears off, I am shifting my efforts towards executing my exit plan even if it might turn out to be a long way off.

A while ago, in 2011, I wrote on this blog about the four things I want to complete if I have only four years to live.  They are:  Complete my memoirs, write a letter to my grandchildren, clean up my mess in the house and put together all the key information for my family, and host a big party for all my friends before I check out. Now that four years may be too optimistic, I have to walk my talk immediately.

I have completed the manuscript and am working on revising it based on a book editor's advices; I am also working on eliminating a lot of old files and sorting out tons of other stuff;  and I am thinking about the letter to my grandchildren.  As for the party, that will have to wait for further notice.

My next appointment with the hematologist is still three weeks away so I won't know if there is any change to my diagnosis at least until then.  The only thing I can do now is to watch myself and see if there is any new symptom or worsening of existing symptoms.  In the meantime, I am trying to stay on my regular daily schedule such as exercising, gardening, reading, etc.

Several years ago,  I saw on Youtube a video showing a Chinese surgeon in Taiwan who was diagnozed with cancer.  He refused any chemotherapy (even though he is a physician trained in the western medical tradition) and survive for several years.  I am not sure whether he still is.  But the way he fought the decease was basically three things: Maintain a sunny outlook; eat a vegetarian diet; and practice a traditional Chinese exercise called Ping Shuai Gong, or sometimes called Shuai Shou Gong three times a day.  So I want to follow his example and see if it helps.  I do have an optimistic outlook on most everything.  I am going to gradually move to a vegetarian diet.  As for the Shuai Shou Gong, I have been practicing it on and off, but now I am going  to try to do it every day.  Here are the links to this three-part TV interview.  Unfortunately, it's in Mandarin Chinese:

Part I: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0e56OsD36bc&feature=related Part II: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LonXzyvJprY&NR=1 Part III: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMotoFk9kTo&feature=related

What a letdown!

When my hematologist told me I had leukemia last month, I thought I was pretty calm but actually I was agitated to think of the worst outcome that would entail, and I started writing my Exit Diary here.

As promised, the doctor called me the following Tuesday while I was working at the primary election polling place and told me there was no surprise, meaning that my blood test shows that I did not have a fast growing case of leukemia, and that I should see him in a month so he can keep an eye on my situation.

For me, this is a good news/bad news situation.  The good news is I am not going to die (from leukemia anyway) very soon; the bad news is I am not out of the wood yet and I could get some bad news any time.  I am still convicted, but nobody knows of what crime, and the sentencing is postponed indefinitely. I also felt kind of let down.

For any important event that happens in your life, you can always look at it in more than one way, usually a good way and a bad way; it is up to you to choose.  I choose to take this as another, but one that is clearly defined,  "beginning of the end."  (Actually, the real beginning of the end was the moment I was born.)  It is up to me to decide how to take advantage of this signal.

So now I have more time to do what I need to do to clean up my mess so that my wife and children know where things are and what need to be done once I check out.  I no longer have to debate whether it is too early to do these things.  I am making up a list of "tasks" that I need to do, and execute them one by one.  So far, this list includes some 30 items; I am sure I will add more as time goes by.

Among other things, I will make time to research on the disease and search for some unconventional ways to fight it.  Who knows?  I may surprise myself and be able to stick around for quite a few more years.  Stay tuned.

My Exit Diary

I started this blog in 2008 to discuss five topics that are dear to my heart: tai chi, meditation, religion, retirement and old age. After the initial flurry, I have slowed down quite a bit; in fact I haven't posted anything all of 2012. But now I am going to be doing frequent posting: I have just been diagnosed with some sort of Leukemia but the doctor needs to do more testing to figure out what type it is, so I am convicted but not yet sentenced. It may sound rather melodramatic, but I decided to call this my Exit Diary. I want to chronicle what I will be doing to fight this battle, and to express my thoughts and feelings during this process. I am hoping that I can share these with others who are in the same boat so we may learn something of value from one another. If you have stumbled into my blog and know of someone in this battle, please tell them about my blog.

 In 2011, I found there were a couple of lumps on my neck. During my annual checkup in 2012, I told my doctor about that. He felt them and said that were my saliva glands so I was relieved. In 2013, I found more lumps on my neck and I told the doctor about that during my annual checkup. He found from the blood test that I have a slightly elevated white cell count. He sent me to a hematologist last week. After more blood test, the hematologist told me that I have some sort of leukemia, but he needed more test to ascertain whether the high white blood cell count was caused by an onset of leukemia or by a type of anemia common to Chinese, which I know I had it all my life. I am now waiting for an answer.

 At the age of 78, whether I have a fast growing or slow growing leukemia, or no leukemia at all, I realize I am not gong to hang around for another 20 years. So this diagnosis did give me a good shove to start preparing for my exit. In a way, even though I am a perennial optimist, I have been thinking about my upcoming exit for some time, as evidenced by my previous posts on this blog. My interest in Buddhism over the past few years has helped me understand the reality of life, that death is must as natural as birth, so I am not surprised at all by this turn of event. I will study this disease and learn about ways to fight it as much as I can, just like playing a computer game or solving a jigsaw puzzle and have some fun doing it. If I win, I win; if I lose, I lose. In the meantime, I will have to do a number of things to simplify my life and the work my wife and children will have to do after I checked out.

We are all "renters" in this world

Yesterday afternoon, the 4th of July, I was sitting alone on my deck at the back of my house, with a Yuengling beer in my hand, eagerly waiting for my grilled chicken to get done. The weather was perfect: sunny but somewhat hazy, with a light breeze to keep the bugs from gathering. All was quiet in my neighborhood. Looking over my wooded backyard, I felt restful and contended. I felt blessed, in the sense that I had no worry of any kind.

All of a sudden, a thought crossed my mind: here I am sitting on my deck, behind my house. But is this deck really mine? Is this house really mine? I know I bought the house and I have the title to prove it. It is all paid for. But I also know that one day I will be gone, but this deck, this house, and all those tall pines and oaks will most likely still be there long after I am gone, and this backyard will most likely look just as serene.

I bought this house, but I can't live in it forever. I can live in it only as long as I live and I don't live forever. I am actually a renter of this house for the duration of my life; I don't "own" it.

Aren't we all renters in this world? Would any "owner" please stand up?

Is Buddhism a religion or a philosophy?

This question has always perplexed me: Is Buddhism a religion or a philosophy. All the major religions have some kind of an omnipotent, supernatural entity that is variably called god, source, allah or such; in Buddhism, there is no such almighty controller of all things. Does a religion always have to have a god? And if Buddhism doesn't have a god, it is "just" a philosophy, then first of all it will not qualify for IRS' tax exempt status; and many people in this country will not have a religion, will not be considered "religious," and are therefore atheists? Of course these people, namely Buddhists, are still very "spiritual" people, very kind and loving people, probably more so than some of those who have a "religion." There is something wrong with this picture.

Today, I finally find a reasonable explanation for this weird state of affairs and I would like to share with you. While reading Matthieu Ricard's book "The Monk and The Philosopher," the author quoted an answer to this very question by Andre Migot, a French medical doctor, adventurer and Buddhist scholar during the first half of last century, and Matthieu Ricard is a Tibetan monk of French origin, who lives in Nepal. The quote is from Migot's book "Le Bouddha" (The Buddha):

"There has been a lot of discussion about whether Buddhism is a religion or a philosophy, and the question has never been decided one way or the other. In these terms, it is a question that only makes sense to a Westerner. Only in the West is philosophy just a branch of knowledge like mathematics or botany, and only in the West is the philosopher a person, usually a professor, who goes through particular doctrines during his courses but, once he goes home, lives exactly like his lawyer or his dentist without what he teaches having the slightest influence on the way he lives his life. Only in the West is religion,for a large majority of believers, a small compartment that only gets opened on particular days, at particular times or in certain predetermined circumstances, and is firmly closed again before actually doing anything. Although there are professors of philosophy in the East, too, a philosopher there is a spiritual master who lives what he teaches, surrounded by disciples who want to follow his example. His teaching is never based on sheer intellectual curiosity, for its value lies only in its realization. In this light, there seems little point in wondering whether Buddhism is a philosophy or a religion. It is a path, a way of salvation, that which led the Buddha to enlightenment; it is a method, a means of attaining liberation by working intensely on the mind and spirit."

I might add that this explanation is applicable to Confusianism as well. I often explain to people that in China, most people (including myself) don't belong to any organized religion; that their spiritual anchor is a combination of Confusianism and Buddhism, which are more like philosophies.

Live a Life That Matters

A friend recently sent me a poem that I found very enlightening. I would like to share it with you as a year-end reminder:

Live a life that matters

By Y. Y. Tseng

Ready or not, someday it will all come to an end.
There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.
All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.
Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.
It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear.
So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire.
The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.
It won’t matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived, at the end.
It won’t matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant,
Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.
So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?
What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built;
Not what you got, but what you gave.
What will matter is not your success but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, or sacrifice
That enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.
What will matter is not your competence, but your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you’re gone.
What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.
Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident.
It’s not a matter of circumstance but of choice.
While you meet something beautiful, the first thing you should do is to share it with your friends anywhere.
So that these beautiful things will be able to spread out literally around the world.

Happy 2010!